Archive | June, 2011

The sperm that just won’t die

6 Jun

A few years ago, The Boy got himself a needle-stick from an HIV positive patient. After the initial freak out he decided to do what any caring and considerate guy would do when faced with the prospect of becoming a potential HIV carrier – he froze his sperm. You see, The Boy knew he wanted to be a Dad some day but obviously didn’t want to expose his wife or kid to his hypothetical HIV. Kudos to him for his exemplary foresight.

Luckily The Boy didn’t get HIV. He met me, we got married, then pregnant, and The Sperm continued to live its quiet life frozen in some upmarket Sydney lab. Until The Boy decided that he no longer needed said sperm and stopped paying the storage bill.

A few months went by. A reminder letter was sent and The Boy informed The Keepers of The Sperm that he no longer wanted his cup of half-made offspring. He told them to dispose of it. A new letter was sent with very detailed instructions for The Boy to follow in regards to requesting the termination of his sperm. He didn’t follow them. This then resulted in another letter being sent requesting he provide a copy of suitable photo ID, which necessitated the use of our piece of crap printer/scanner. Of course it was at this precise moment that our piece of crap printer/scanner decided to give up the ghost completely. So after spending $100 on replacement ink that didn’t work we decided to mail off a copy of The Boy’s old hospital ID in the hope that this would be enough to get rid of The Sperm.

It wasn’t.

The Sperm did not want to die. And I have to say, both of us were fast becoming quite impressed with The Sperm’s robustness.

The Boy was sent another letter that detailed, again, what he needed to do if he wanted to allow his sperm to ‘succumb’. By this point, despite The Sperm being ‘in excess of our current reproductive needs’, we kind of wanted to see the little dudes fight on. They’d come this far. It was only fair. And after a number of ridiculous letters and phone calls,┬ájerking The Keepers of The Sperm around had become a pretty fun way to spend our downtime. Who knew sperm would be this hard to get rid of?

Anyway, last week we got another letter alongside a call from a debt collector, indicating that we should probably take this situation a bit more seriously. The last letter came with a post-paid envelope and it looked like game over until The Boy came up with the perfect reply.

A tissue.

Now, I want to be the person who actually mails that envelope with a tissue in it SO BAD, but unfortunately the rational side of my brain is putting up a pretty fierce argument against spending what would be approximately $300 on five minutes of entertainment. With a baby on the way, I’m not entirely convinced it’d be worth it. Pretty damn close though.