Whatever I choose

27 Apr

I’m sitting at work watching Henry punch and roll his way around my stomach, gently pressing the odd stray foot back into place and wondering how I got here, how I scored this life. Because some days I do question whether I’m deserving of such happiness; I question what I’ve done to be blessed with so many things that I all too often take for granted. My family. Friends. My husband. My home, my job, my health, my freedom and now, my son. I wonder why my life isn’t harder, then I fret that I’m not trying hard enough to BE something; that I’m drifting in too many directions. Writer. Designer. Wife. Mother. Cook. Devourer. Sewer. Knitter. Blogger. Charity worker.

When I’m asked what I’m going to do with my life I get the impression that I’m supposed to pick one, maybe two of these things and stick to it like a fly to flypaper. So I choose, trap myself, and then after a few months or a year I’m left wondering where the rest of me went. Lately I’ve found that I can’t write because I spend too much time worrying about where the rest of me has gone, and I can’t do anything else because I’m too worried about my inability to what it is I’m supposed to be doing – writing.

And then something happens and I wake up and realise that I’m more than just one of these things. To steal a line from Little Women, courtesy of Kelle Hampton, I am, in fact, a great many things. And I’m happy with that. I love the fact that I’m free to do whatever it is I choose, and yes, I realise how lucky I am to have the means to take my time while choosing.

In seven short weeks I’m going to become a mother. It’s not going to be all I do, and I’m not going to be the best at it. But I am determined to find a balance and make time to enjoy more hungry mouthfuls of life without worrying that I’m somehow missing out, or stuffing up, or wasting opportunities.

So when you ask me what it is I do the answer is a great many things. This and that. Whatever I choose.

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