Things they don’t tell you

24 Jan

So I’ve noticed a few things about being pregnant that the books don’t tell you. Or maybe they do, in which case I should get a few and read them. Because below are a couple of revelations I really could have done with being forewarned about.

1. Extra hair (and not where you want it)
Since the age of 13 I’d resigned myself to the that being dark-haired had its disadvantages. One of which being leg and underarm hair that I would, over the years, spend a small fortune on removing. But stomach hair? Thank you pregnancy hormones for giving me more hair on my chest than my man. It’s out of control down there. Even if I could squeeze myself into a bikini, I’d have to wax an area the size of Australia to look good doing it.

2. Unpredictable leaks
I’m not going to go into too much detail here, but ewwww. Did you know that your boobs could start producing colostrum as early as 20 weeks? Neither did I.

3. Fear of sneezing/laughing/coughing
I’ve got pretty good pelvic floor control. Thanks to years playing the clarinet and an everlasting dedication to keeping things maintained ‘down there’, I’m pretty proud of my Kegel  prowess. But here’s two interesting pregnancy related surprises – one is that no matter how many Kegels you do if you sneeze a lot, you’re probably going to pee your pants. The second surprise is that ladies with less pelvic floor control are more likely to get stretch marks. So not only am I going to wet myself if I laugh too hard, I’m probably going to tear a gaping red skin scar across my belly too. How awesome is that?

4. Lack of warning signals
Here’s something I used to take for granted – adequate warning from my bladder to my brain as to when I’d need to use the bathroom. Now, aside from getting up a number of times a night , I find that my bladder often isn’t on speaking terms with my brain anymore. I’m like a pre-schooler who’s lined up for the toilet whining about not needing to pee, but when I get there what do you know – I’m busting. It’s at the point now where my brain is all like ‘dude, you know you’re over the limit’ to my bladder and my bladder is all like ‘pfff. I can handle it’. Then all of a sudden my nose decides it wants in on the action – achoo! – and we all know how THAT story ends.

There are a lot of other things I could mention but this is, I think, enough for one morning. Besides, by now, I probably need to pee.

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