A most beautiful sound

29 Nov

10 weeks! Got the doppler, heard the heartbeat, Harry Potter was awesome, life is pretty sweet…aside from the raging hormones, that is.

The Boy and I have our first visit with the obstetrician this Friday and I’m pretty excited. The Boy less so, but he’s seen and done it all dozens of times before I guess. Pregnant? Pfft. Totally uninteresting… unless there’s something going wrong!

Anyway, I don’t know what I’m expecting – some magical bag of goodies that will take all my worries away, perhaps? – but I’m totally psyched for something awesome to happen. Realistically I’ll probably get poked and prodded more than I’d like, and I’ll be too shy to ask any questions, but I’m hoping for some brochures at the very least. A manual would be great. As would some sedatives.

Aside from looking like a fatty-bom-bah I’m still not feeling overly pregnant. I’m tired and grouchy, sure. But I could just as easily be on my period for that. I’m having psychopathically disturbed dreams but again, that’s not so far out of the realm of usual for me to signify any life changes. I still have the rashes, and the occasional cramp which never fails to send me into a tailspin, but all in all I’m not feeling that connected. Already I feel like a bad mother.

What does help, however, is our newly acquired doppler. It’s a tad frustrating in that it doesn’t display an accurate beat count thanks to the pulsing of my placenta, but I do get to hear the galloping heart of our little one. And every time I find it I can’t help but smile. Seriously, that racing drum beat is like crack to an addict. If I could listen to it all day in a blissful state of semi-sleep for the next six months I’d be set.

While the doppler certainly helps, the disconnected feeling is the one I hate the most. Some days, despite spending hours obsessing over the wellbeing of my little lime, I barely register that I’m pregnant at all. Other days I’m freaking out that I haven’t thought all that much about what being a mother is going to be like. I freak out about the labour, and then I freak out about miscarriage. And then, all of a sudden, I’m fine. Back to normal. As normal as I’ll ever be, anyway.

The one thing I seem to have the most trouble with is imagining that I’m actually having a baby. I can’t think about what it’ll be like to have it all wrapped up and in my arms. It just feels like such a foreign concept because, right now, I don’t feel much different. Even when we do get to hear the heartbeat, or see the little dude on an ultrasound, I still feel strangely like I’m looking at someone else’s life. I guess it’s all part of my mind’s protective mechanism of not getting my hopes up. Think the worst and be pleasantly surprised! Or better yet, don’t think about it at all.


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