Nervous Nelly

12 Nov

So I’m eight weeks now. I’m a neurotic mess. I did absolutely nothing last weekend which means the garden is still a mess and the cat has gone completely mad in his effort to get outside and DO something. Preferably something more satisfying than Pink Bunny.

I did manage the finish the baby quilt, moments after my friend delivered a beautiful baby girl called Lila. To say I am beside myself with joy and excitement would be the world’s biggest understatement. I can’t wait to meet the little one and get all excited with what I know to be the world’s best new mum.

Anyway, apparently Pork Chop is now the size of a green olive. S/he is alternating between making me feel like I’m going to choke on vomit while I sleep, and then making me feel completely un-pregnant. In truth, I don’t think I’m coping with the whole pregnancy thing well at all. All the ups and down’s of the symptoms are doing my head in. One minute I feel sick and horrible and feel great about it, while the next I feel a bit better but nervous as a banker walking the streets after a rate hike. I get cramps and I freak out. I get nothing and I freak out. I have a bout of energy and I freak out. It’s gotten to the point where I no longer know whether my boobs are sore because I’m pregnant, or because I’ve been pushing them around all day, trying to feel something.

Most of all, I want to get excited but at the back of my mind there is this constant worry that something terrible is going to happen. Like a missed miscarriage. You know, the type where you still feel pregnant, and you finally let yourself get excited, but then out of the blue the little heartbeat stops beating and you had no idea. Sometimes for weeks. I’m more than halfway through the first trimester and I don’t think I’ve enjoyed a single day of it. I want to, but I stop myself when I think about how freaking terrible I’ll feel if it doesn’t work out.

So I’m going back for another ultrasound tomorrow. I should be 8 weeks and two days, exactly 2 weeks after we first saw the little guy. I’m hoping for good measurements, a strong heartbeat, and another photo to put on the fridge to help calm me down.

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